StretchLab: Flexibility for the Undead?

Look, this whole getting old thing? Yeah, it’s hitting harder than expected. Turns out, when you let yourself shuffle around like a half-reanimated corpse for years, your joints and muscles aren’t exactly thrilled about snapping back into action. Bouncing back from setbacks isn’t just harder—it’s like trying to revive a long-dead quad muscle.

I mean, I’ll give myself some credit—the recovery from two surgeries went better than expected. The back surgery? Thought it’d leave me creaking like a rusty gate, but nope, I’m riding again. That’s a win. Cardio, strength, and flexibility are still works in progress, but hey, slow and steady, right?

That said, two major problems are still holding me back: balance (or lack thereof) and flexibility (which, at this point, is more of a myth). That’s what led me to StretchLab for an assisted stretching session. Because if I can’t at least climb onto my bike without looking like a broken marionette, then what are we even doing here?

What is StretchLab?

If you’re anything like me—wrenching on bikes, riding rough trails, tripping over garage clutter, and waking up with mystery pains—you already know what kind of toll that takes on your body. Flexibility and mobility? Ha. More like stiff and creaky, with bonus knee pops.

Enter StretchLab—an assisted stretching studio designed to help improve flexibility, mobility, and movement for people who still insist on using their bodies for questionable activities. Whether you’re feeling the aftershocks of a long ride, recovering from injuries, or just trying to delay turning into a stiff, immobile husk, they offer one-on-one stretching sessions with trained Flexologists who guide you through personalized routines.

Their goal? Help you move better, recover faster, and prevent injuries—so you can keep riding, wrenching, and living without feeling like a rusted-out suspension fork.

My First Session at StretchLab

Today was my introductory assisted stretching session at StretchLab. 50 minutes of finding out just how wrecked my flexibility actually is.

Before getting started, I answered some questions about my goals, activities, and problem areas. No surprises there—my hip mobility is garbage. Throwing a leg over my dirt bike has become a full-blown ritual of trial and error. Sometimes it takes two or three attempts before I successfully mount up. Dignity? Don’t know her.

Once we got started, the first half of the session zeroed in on my lower body—a.k.a. the source of 90% of my mobility issues. Then we moved on to upper body work, because apparently, everything is connected, and my shoulders are also a mess.

My Flexologist, Joshua, was careful, methodical, and constantly checking in—which is great because some of these stretches felt like my tendons were about to file a complaint. He also gave me at-home stretches that work in limited space (because let’s be real, I’m not rolling out a yoga mat in my garage).

Now, I’ll be honest—I’m not a people person. And small talk? It drains my soul. But Joshua kept things light and not unbearable, so I survived. Barely.

Would I Go Back?

At the end of the session, Joshua recommended weekly follow-ups. No surprise there—they’re a new business, and I’m a prime candidate for the “walking wreck in need of help” category.

But real talk? I actually enjoyed it. And it helped. The biggest downside? The cost. It’s not cheap, and now I have to convince my wife that this is an investment in my continued mobility and not just me blowing money on another random fitness thing.

That said… it’s cheaper than an hour with my massage therapist and honestly more beneficial for what I need right now.

So we’ll see. If I can make it work, I’ll be back—because if it means fewer failed bike mounts and a smoother ride, then maybe, just maybe, this undead husk can be resurrected after all.